When You Don’t Want to Be Here, but You’re Too Afraid to Die


Share on PinterestIllustration by Brittany England

I don’t want to be here anymore, but I’m too afraid to die.

I typed this into Google a year ago, my hands shaking as I questioned what I meant. I didn’t want to be alive or exist anymore. But at the same time, I didn’t quite want to die.

I felt selfish as I typed it, thinking about all of the people who had been suicidal, worrying that I was being disrespectful to those who had actually lost their lives that way. I also wondered whether I was just being dramatic.

But I pressed enter anyway, desperate to find an answer for what I was feeling. To my surprise, I was met with search after search of the exact same question.

“I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to exist,” read one.

“I’m suicidal but I don’t want to die,” read another.

And then I realized: I’m not being silly. I’m not being stupid or melodramatic or attention-seeking. There were so many other people feeling the exact same way. And for the first time, I didn’t feel quite so alone.

But I still felt what I felt. I felt distant from the world and from myself; my life felt almost as though it were on autopilot.

I was aware of my existence, but I wasn’t really experiencing it. It felt like I had become separate from my own self, as though a part of me was just watching my body go through the motions. Daily routines like getting up, making the bed, and working the day away felt almost mechanical. I was in a toxic relationship and heavily depressed.

My life had become repetitive and, in many ways, unbearable.

And I questioned what the point in that was, exactly. Why continue living if I didn’t actually feel like I was alive?

I started to imagine what people’s lives would be like without me in it. I wondered what would happen after I died. I was bombarded with intrusive thoughts, suicidal feelings, urges to hurt myself, and feelings of despair.

But there was one thing contradicting that: I was scared to die.

So many questions would run through my head when I thought about actually ending my life.

What if I attempted to kill myself and it went wrong? What if it went right, but in the last few moments of my life I realized I had made a mistake and regretted it? What exactly happens after I die? What happens to the people around me? Could I do that to my family? Would people miss me?

And these questions would eventually lead me to the question, do I really want to die?

The answer, deep down, was no. And so I held on to that to keep me going, that little glimmer of uncertainty every time I thought about ending my life. If that tiny bit of unease was still there, there was a chance I’d be making the wrong decision.

There was a chance that a part of me thought that things could get better.

But it wasn’t going to be easy. Things had been going downhill for a long time. I had been suffering with severe anxiety caused by PTSD for several months, which had escalated to daily panic attacks. I experienced a constant feeling of dread in my stomach, tension headaches, body tremors, and nausea.

This had been taking over my life for so long until, all of a sudden, I snapped.

That’s when everything went numb. It was a huge turning point, going from feeling everything at once to feeling nothing at all.

And, in all honesty, I think the nothingness was worse. The nothingness, combined with the same daily routine and toxic relationship, made my life feel utterly worthless. At the end of my rope, I turned to Google. No one ever really explained how to cope with suicidal ideation, particularly when you don’t really want to die.

Scrolling through post after post, I realized that actually, a lot of people understood. A lot of people knew what it was like to not want to be here anymore but not want to die.

We had all typed in the question with one expectation: answers. And answers meant we wanted to know what to do with our feelings instead of ending our lives.

Realizing this gave me hope. It told me that if these people, like me, were still here — despite feeling all the same feelings — I could stay, too.

And maybe, I hoped, that meant that deep down, we all wanted to hold on to see if things could get better. And that we could.

My mind had been clouded by the anxiety, despair, monotony, and a relationship that was slowly destroying me. And because I had felt so low, so numb and empty, I hadn’t actually taken a step aside to really and truly look at this. To look at how things could get better if I attempted to make changes.

The reason I thought I was just existing was because I really was. I was miserable and I was stuck. But I hadn’t picked apart my life to realize why.

I can’t say that in one day everything changed, because it didn’t. But I did start to make changes. I started to see a therapist, who helped me gain some perspective. My toxic relationship ended. I was devastated about it, but things improved so quickly as I started to exercise my independence.

Yes, I still got up every morning and made the bed, but the rest of the day would be at my hands, and slowly but surely, that started to excite me. I think a huge part of feeling as though I was just some form of existence was because my life was so predictable. Now that that had been taken away, everything seemed new and exciting.

With time, I felt like I was living again, and most importantly, that I had and have a life worth living.

I still suffer with mental illness. There are still bad days, and I know there always will be.

But knowing that I got through this truly difficult time in my life gives me the motivation to get through any other bad moments again. It’s given me the strength and determination to carry on.

And despite the way I was feeling at the time, I’m so glad I Googled that question. I’m so glad I realized I wasn’t alone. And I’m so glad I trusted that unease when it came to the idea of taking my own life. Because that unease led me to living a life I’m actually happy to be living.

What I want you to know — especially if, like me, you found yourself here through a Google search or a headline that caught your attention at the right time — is this: No matter how lonely or awful you feel, please know that you’re not alone.

I’m not going to tell you it isn’t a horrible, scary feeling. I know that better than most. But I promise you things can and often do get better. You just have to hold on to that doubt, however small it might be. That doubt is there for a reason: There’s an important part of you that knows your life isn’t over yet.

And speaking from experience, I can assure you that small, nagging feeling is telling you the truth. There’s a future you who will be so glad you listened.

Hattie Gladwell

 

Hattie Gladwell is a mental health journalist, author, and advocate. She writes about mental illness in hopes of diminishing the stigma and to encourage others to speak out.

 

The Human Brain Proyect


Resultado de imagen de neuronas multipolares

 

The Human Brain Project

Para psicólogos neurocientíficos el programa Human Brain Project, tiene como objeto, para el año 2023, crear una simulación del cerebro humano para adelantar la ciencia y crear nuevas herramientas para sanar el Alzheimer, Parkinson y otras enfermedades cerebro neuronales que le permitirá a la sociedad de disfrutar de una calidad emocional de vida más saludable.

No estoy diciendo que sea lo mejor, pero según las matemáticas avanzadas cuando x se aproxima a cero.

The Human Brain Project

 

Explain Love


I like to share these lyrics from M2C, that depicts my thoughts on Love.

You are the candle, love’s the flame
A fire that burns through wind and rain
Shine your light on this heart of mine
Till the end of time
You came to me like the dawn through the night
Just shinin’ like the sun
Out of my dreams and into my life
You are the one, you are the one
Said I loved you but I lied
‘Cause this is more than love I feel inside
Said I loved you but I was wrong
‘Cause love could never ever feel so strong
Said I loved you but I lied
With all my soul I’ve tried in vain
How can mere words my heart explain
This taste of heaven so deep so true
I’ve found in you
So many reasons in so many ways
My life has just begun
Need you forever, I need you to stay
You are the one, you are the one
Said I loved you but I lied
‘Cause this is more than love I feel inside
Said I loved you but I was wrong
‘Cause love could never ever feel so strong
Said I loved you but I lied
You came to me like the dawn through the night
Just shinin’ like the sun
Out of my dreams and into my life
You are the one, you are the one
Said I loved you
But this is more than love I feel inside
Said I loved you… But I lied
Songwriters: Michael Derek Bolton / Robert John “mutt” Lange
Said I Loved You but I Lied lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

Draókos

Considere what comes out of your mouth


Antes de abrir tu boca, piensa si tus palabras son reales para mostrar amor, motivación o compasión.  Piensa si esas mismas palabras que predicas afectan tu vida positiva o negativamente.  Es evidente que si te afectan negativamente, no deben ser pensadas y menos vocalizadas en lo absoluto.

Before you open your mouth, think about whether your words are real to show love, motivation or compassion.  Think about whether those very words you preach affect your life positively or negatively.  It is clear that if they affect you negatively, they should not be thought of and less vocalized at all.

Draókos
Psicofilosofía Urbana (c)1980
Copyright Draókos ICP (1rst. rev.)

Personal Activity Monitoring


Why do a CBT Activity Monitoring Form?

Watching a TV series or movies is not a complete waste of time or accomplishment, but it allows me to go into the human perspective of how life is perceived by humanity.  It has nothing to do with fairy tales, but an inner and deeper moral and, spiritual part of the human psyche.

This is an ephemeris part in the mind of writers who narrate a story presented to society and what they are searching for in their personal lives.  The actors and production personnel who build and interprets these characters, the builders of an environment to give life to the story told are all part of how cognitive thinking affects them and its environment.

Is it all lies?  Is it all fantasies?  Is it all an illusion?  Are we not an Illusion?  How do we coexist as a society or species, more than anything else, looking to give meaning to our existence?

You can see the reaction of the public to these stories and figure out their search for meaning.  Is there something more beyond material things and existence in itself?  Games of Thrones is a perfect example of a global event, and the reaction of the human species to the story told.  Moreover, it has gone viral globally.  Meaning gives us a sense of purpose and accomplishment an overall well sense of well being.

Considering in applying the PERMA Theory of Dr. Siegelman, positive emotions including reinforcing our thoughts with positive words is a perfect way to get oneself motivated to do small achievable task or goals throughout the day, giving us a good sense of being.  So, as you watch TV you see and hear, two senses input method to the self, positive words, expression, and emotion to emulate them in your everyday routine.

Draókos
Psicofilosofía Urbana (c)1980
Copyright Draókos ICP

Quantum Cognitive Entanglement


ENGLISH VERSION

Cognitive quantum entanglement. Know what it is? How do you explain it?

The best way to explain it is through Netflix Sense 8.
Call me however you want, our cognitive constructs go beyond any Science or Faith institutionalized by humanity or scientific community.
The individual chooses to ignore the truth, even if it hits him in the face.

SPANISH TRANSLATION

Singularidad cuántica cognitiva. ¿Sabes lo que es? ¿Como lo explicas?

La mejor manera de explicarlo es mediante Netflix Sense 8.
Llámame como quieras, nuestros constructos cognitivos van más allá de cualquier Ciencia o Fe institucionalizada por la humanidad o comunidad científica.
El individuo elegir ignorar la verdad, incluso si le golpea en la cara.

Draókos
Psicofilosofía Urbana (c)1980
Copyright ICP

Revised (02.28.2019)

Que es una personalidad antisocial


El término antisocial puede ser confuso para el público laico, ya que la definición más común fuera del uso clínico es un individuo que es un solitario o socialmente aislado. El significado literal de la palabra antisocial puede ser más descriptivo tanto para el público laico como para los profesionales: ser antisocial, ser contra la sociedad; Contra normas, normas, leyes y comportamientos aceptables. Los individuos con trastorno de personalidad antisocial tienden a ser carismáticos, atractivos y muy buenos para obtener simpatía de otros; Por ejemplo, describiéndose a sí mismos como la víctima de la injusticia.

 

Algunos estudios sugieren que la inteligencia promedio de los antisociales es mayor que la norma. Los antisociales poseen un encanto superficial, pueden ser pensativos y astutos, y tienen una capacidad intuitiva de observar y analizar rápidamente a otros, determinar sus necesidades y preferencias y presentarla de una manera que facilite la manipulación y la explotación.

 

Son capaces de dañar y usar a otras personas de esta manera, sin remordimiento, culpa, vergüenza o pesar. Se afirma ampliamente que los antisociales no tienen empatía, pero esto puede ser discutido, ya que los sádicos antisociales usarán la empatía para experimentar el sufrimiento de sus víctimas y obtener un placer más completo de ella (Turvey, 1995).

What is an Antisocial Personality


The term antisocial may be confusing to the lay public, as the more common definition outside of clinical usage is an individual who is a loner or socially isolated. The literal meaning of the word antisocial can be more descriptive to both the lay public and professionals: to be anti-social, is to be against society; against rules, norms, laws and acceptable behavior. Individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder tend to be charismatic, attractive, and very good at obtaining sympathy from others; for example, describing themselves as the victim of injustice.

Some studies suggest that the average intelligence of antisocials is higher than the norm. Antisocials possess a superficial charm, they can be thoughtful and cunning, and have an intuitive ability to rapidly observe and analyze others, determine their needs and preferences, and present it in a manner to facilitate manipulation and exploitation.

They are able to harm and use other people in this manner, without remorse, guilt, shame or regret. It is widely stated that antisocials are without empathy, however this can be disputed, as sadistic antisocials will use empathy to experience their victim’s suffering, and derive a fuller pleasure from it (Turvey, 1995).

Mejor habla con tus niños


Dejarán de escucharte, aprovecha hoy.

Es muy probable que después de los 12 años dejes de ser el “ser perfecto” para tus hijos, ese que amaban y respetaban incluso después de unas nalgadas. Eso podría cambiar en la adolescencia, si hoy tienes hijos de 0 a 12 años, aprende a escucharlos, porque extrañarás esa atención al 100% que sólo en esa edad prestan. Es necesario sepan que tú los escuchas, la mayor queja que tiene un niño es que nunca son escuchados, y en la adolescencia será importante haberlos escuchados, conocer sus sentimientos hacia ti y hacia ellos mismos. Recuerda que escuchar es un arte, no es lo mismo oír que escuchar, la escucha es con todos tus sentidos.

Ese gesto también es amenazante, mamá o papá, así que baja un poco las revoluciones, se que es extraordinariamente difícil pero lo puedes lograr, al final tus hijos confiarán plenamente en tí porque les permitiste poder desahogarse con alguien que los ama.

Referencia

Atención Psicológica Alpha Y Omega

Nigri Draókos
Psicofilosofía Urbana (c)1980

Copyright 1980 JoeAbbis ICP